Christmas Wishes…..Why It’s Never Too Late to Adjust a Boundary

Every parent is very good at giving themselves a hard time and every parent carries a little list of wishes, self-criticising thoughts beginning with “I wish I had…” that carry the weight of a perceived ball dropped.   

• “I wish I’d never given them a phone.”

• “I wish I hadn’t let the gaming device live in their bedroom.”

• “I wish I’d set screen limits earlier.”

• “I wish I had time to make them do exercise.”

These reflections often come when negative impacts of a decision start to arise (too much screen time, no longer socialising with family) and are coupled with the sense that something irreversible has happened. 

Many parents describe feeling “powerless” to make changes now. Hidden inside that word is a belief that parenting is about having more power than your child...being stricter, stronger, more in control. That framing is part of the struggle. Power dominant approaches tend to create resistance not cooperation [1].

When decisions are viewed through a power/powerlessness lens, every change feels like a battle won or lost. Removing a device from a bedroom can feel like “taking power back.” Avoiding a rule change can feel like “losing.” But parenting is not a power struggle. It’s a relationship. It’s responsiveness, safety, and connection [2,3]. It is not dominance.

The pressure to feel constantly “in control” pushes parents to stick with decisions that no longer serve their child or the family. Changing a rule can feel like admitting inconsistency or weakness, even though flexibility is a very skilful part of parenting [4].

The belief that you “can’t go back now” often grows from:

• Cognitive dissonance: It’s uncomfortable to acknowledge that an old decision (e.g. open-ended screen use that no longer works) [5]. Instead of facing that discomfort, parents tell themselves, “It’s too late.”

• Fear of conflict: Anticipating pushback, arguments, or emotional storms can make maintaining the status quo feel safer [6].

• The myth of perfect parenting: Many parents believe consistency means never reversing a rule. But real consistency is showing up with steadiness [8], not clinging to outdated decisions.

Children change. Family life changes. What worked when your child was seven may not work when they're twelve.

A boundary set years ago wasn’t a lifelong promise, it was a decision made at a different time.. Updating a boundary isn’t backtracking. It is simply responding to who your child is now and what your family needs today [7].

Boundaries are tools, not monuments. Tools get adjusted, sharpened, replaced.

Instead of thinking, “I need to take my power back,” try shifting to: “As a parent, part of my role is adjusting what’s needed now.”

A helpful script might be: “As you grow, some of our rules need to grow too - or we made a decision, but I don’t like the impact it’s having…. I’m making this change because it’s important for your mental health & our family.”

It's also okay if your child isn't happy about the change. Part of parenting is supporting the emotions that arise, not "fixing" the emotions, but helping your child move through them [8]. This approach places you and your child on the same team, rather than opposite sides of a struggle [9].

Good enough, grounded parenting is adaptable [10]. It reflects, responds, and recalibrates. It doesn’t cling to old rules out of fear. 

You don’t need more power. You don’t need to “win.” You simply need permission to adjust, and that permission is already yours.

References